Libra (9/23-10/22) — You will petition the Oxford English Dictionary to officially correct the pronunciation of the word “gyro.” World-renowned linguists will study the Gulf Coast and agree, it shall henceforth be pronounced “mild soft taco with a thick doughy shell.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll welcome the cool autumn breezes by going commando under a traditional fustanella. Finding the sensation completely refreshing, you’ll return home and cut the crotch out of all your jeans.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll shock the music world when you take the stage at Greek Fest and plug your electric bouzouki into a Marshall half-stack. The audience will boo your new song “Maia’s Farm,” which will one day be lauded as a classic.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll feel like a meth addict in Walter White’s underground laboratory after drinking two Greek coffees. You’ll harness the energy to beat Kanellos Kanellopoulos’ 1988 record for human-powered flight.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll build an exact replica of the Antikythera Mechanism to solve its ancient mysteries. Turns out it was simply the world’s earliest device for viewing and transmitting pornography.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After a four-year letter-writing campaign, you’ll finally convince Lickin’ Good Donuts to add baklava to its menu. It will take nine more years for them to add kataifi. Koulourakia will debut on Easter Sunday, 2054.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — You’ll go a little overboard on a DIY weekend project when you build a birdhouse to be a 1:48 scale replica of the Parthenon. You’ll regret it after a flock of purple martins are driven out by a rogue band of Ottomans.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ve never been to Santorini, but you think one drive through Alys Beach in SoWal is basically the same thing. You’ll affix a “30A” sticker to your SUV and pack your Yeti cooler full of ice-cold Ouzo.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll lock arms with a band of brothers and sisters for several hours of traditional Greek dancing. The next day, the lower half of your body will be sore and exhausted, while the upper half is just fine.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll add a Grecian flair to your cooking by wrapping everything in grape leaves. Your twist on tamales will be poorly received, but your grape leaf-wrapped grape leaves will be shared at least three times on Pinterest.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In the great tradition of Cicero, you’ll climb a soapbox in the public square and deliver one of the most endearing oratories of modern time: “Greek fries are the same thing as French fries, except with one or two additional spices of indeterminite origin.”
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — To compete with Greek Fest, you’ll launch Egypt Fest on the opposite end of the block. Billed as the world’s only celebration of Donald Faison’s character from “Scrubs,” those of Turkish descent will leave in disappointment.
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