Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Now that the Winter Olympics are over, you can refocus your energy on your pickleball career. Games are every Saturday at Palmer Pillans Middle School. Book a nonstop flight to the Badminton Hall of Fame.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Still bloated from last week’s Vegan Chili Cook-Off at Serda’s, you’ll go to the American Cancer Society’s Chili Cook-Off at Mardi Gras Park Saturday just for the seasoned meats. Book a nonstop flight to Chile.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll boycott the Academy Awards for not including “Fifty Shades Darker” as a nominee for Best Picture. You’ll write a screenplay for a soft-core film called “The Post” that has nothing to do with journalism. Book a nonstop flight to Bollywood.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll take command of the Santa María in an attempt to plunder the Niña and Pinta as they are moored at LuLu’s this weekend. Instead of walking the plank, you’ll request to be paddled. Book a nonstop flight to Davy Jones’ Locker.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Despite the progress you’ve made with your new fitness routine, a personal trainer advises you to avoid microwavable Asian cuisine and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Taking their advice, you switch to Mexican meals and regular Cheetos. Book a nonstop flight to Planet Fitness.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You undertake a quasi-scientific engineering study and determine the primary cause of erosion on Dauphin Island is sand castle construction. Bayou La Batre’s sewer outfall is also to blame for the brownish water. Book a nonstop flight to Pripyat.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — With the airport’s possible move to Brookley Aeroplex, you begin ferry service between Mobile and the Eastern Shore. But without federal funding, you’re forced to repurpose the cable raft from Gee’s Bend. Book a nonstop flight to some fjords.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Wary of hosting a large-scale crawfish boil without any experience, you start with a few pounds on the stovetop. That was your first mistake. Your second is following Martha Stewart’s recipe. Book a nonstop flight to Acadiana.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — As a part of the ‘90s Block Party at the Mobile Civic Center, you’ll wear your clothes backward like Kris Kross and jump. To the back you’ll be sportin’ the gear, is that coincidental? Book a nonstop flight to the ATL.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll dress up like a sailor and lead on the salespeople at the Mobile Boat Show. You look great in a $79,000, 36-foot center console, but you’re about $69,730 short. Book a nonstop flight to SeaWorld.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Hearing that even the most hardened criminals are awarded bond in district court, you establish the Revolving Door Bonding Co. The corporate motto is “Turning you out, before you get turned in.” Book a nonstop flight to Alcatraz.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Sensing it’s just about time to plant fresh vegetables in the garden, you dig holes in the yard to prepare. Thinking you’re a serial killer, nosy neighbors will call the police. Book a nonstop flight to the Gobi Desert.